My Birdsong

Much Planning Going On

I have not posted much, because, well, I've been trying to stay busy. Obviously, I've been successful, because I've neglected my blog duties. But I promise it's for a good reason.

In about a week, I'll have some news about something I've planned. Actually, I've been planning a lot of things, but not all are ready to announce. It will take me the next few days to make one of these projects presentable. So stay tuned.

In the meantime, I've been also creating in my studio. I purchased some great inspirational magazines and some beautiful Catherine Moore stamps and have been delving deeper into the world of mini theaters. I loved creating this little lady, with her swimming swan skirt. Also, I took an altered book class at My Daughter's Wish a local scrap book store that offers a great selection of classes.

I cannot forget the romantic dinner and flowers I was treated to by my wonderful and loving husband. In turn, I treated Trevor to his favorite meal - homemade chicken parmesan. It was a nice Valentines Day.

In addition to playing in my studio, I have been trying to get lots of physical activity. This is crucial for me in dealing with my grief. If you don't already know this about me, I play tennis. We've had terrible rainy weather here during the past month, however in the last two weeks it's been gloriously sunny, reaching 70 one day! So I have taken every opportunity to get out in the warm sun and hit the ball. I am on two tennis teams, and thankfully one will end soon. Which will also give me more time in the studio.

This week, however, I am enjoying the SAP tennis open in San Jose. I play doubles on a B-2 team here with my partner Ann Marie Hauser (an accomplished fine artist and an award winner - I wish I had a link for her, but she has no web presence). Anyway, she and I got the chance to see the number one doubles team play Tuesday night. The Bryan Brothers were amazing. Their serves are so fast, Ann Marie and I thought half of them were out! I guess that's what happens when you reach a certain age and play tennis! We are also privileged enough to see a whole day of it today too. So I am off to indulge in my other passion.

So when I return, I promise I will share lots of photos of all the happenings here in the past few weeks: artist get together with friends, dinner with my cousin and his wife in the city, remembering Brianna with a page in the school yearbook. Thank you dear friends for your caring and kindness you've shown me. Hugs to you all...Iva

For everything there is a season. . . a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. . .
                     ~ Eccleasiastes 3:1-4

The Continuing Spirit

I have neglected my blog for three weeks. I'm sorry I haven't written, especially when I know you all will want to know how Brianna's birthday went with my family, dear friend and Brianna's friends.
    But first I must explain that when I'm really hurting, it is easier for me to withdraw. I guess that is a natural reaction to pain.  I really didn't want to write anything, because all I am feeling is sorrow. Terrible, intense sorrow that Brianna is not here. I hope you understand.
    As for the little birds we were to make on her birthday, they did not happen. Brianna had printed out the directions for these neat little birds. So I gathered the materials and set out chairs in the brief sunshine. Her friends, Chelsea and Nina, came over with some soda cans. We cut them up according to the directions, but we must have been missing something. For the directions were not clear and I tried and tried to make them, but we were all too stumped to figure out how they were put together.
    Her friends said that by now (an hour into trying to make them) Brianna would have given up, she would have called "Mom!", to have me figure it out, and then they all would have been on to something else.
    But I was so determined. I couldn't save my daughter's life, but by God I was going to make these birds. And I had to give up, frustrated by it all, because I just didn't know how. Almost a reflection of what happened in our lives.
    Still, we all sat in the sun and talked. It was hard for me listening to their plans of college. I kept thinking that Brianna should be sitting here also excited about the colleges she was applying to. So I cried with them off and on, and they understood.
    I'm glad they were there. I know Brianna would be glad too, to see that Chelsea and Nina came over. And thankfully my dear friend Alissa was here for emotional support. For it was a hard day for John and Trevor also.
    January 12 will always be a special day I celebrate. I cherish the day Brianna became my daughter and blossomed into such a wonderful young woman. For I love her so much, and I know that she loves us still. We are just separated for a time.
    I thank you all for checking in on me. As hard as it is at times, I carry on. Brianna's spirit lives in me too. And I keep thinking that I have to live my life for her now.

"Into the nebulous, ongoing mystery of life I welcome, as if through an open door, the continuing spirit of the one I have loved."

- Martha Whitmore Hickman, Healing After Loss