The Continuing Spirit

I have neglected my blog for three weeks. I'm sorry I haven't written, especially when I know you all will want to know how Brianna's birthday went with my family, dear friend and Brianna's friends.
    But first I must explain that when I'm really hurting, it is easier for me to withdraw. I guess that is a natural reaction to pain.  I really didn't want to write anything, because all I am feeling is sorrow. Terrible, intense sorrow that Brianna is not here. I hope you understand.
    As for the little birds we were to make on her birthday, they did not happen. Brianna had printed out the directions for these neat little birds. So I gathered the materials and set out chairs in the brief sunshine. Her friends, Chelsea and Nina, came over with some soda cans. We cut them up according to the directions, but we must have been missing something. For the directions were not clear and I tried and tried to make them, but we were all too stumped to figure out how they were put together.
    Her friends said that by now (an hour into trying to make them) Brianna would have given up, she would have called "Mom!", to have me figure it out, and then they all would have been on to something else.
    But I was so determined. I couldn't save my daughter's life, but by God I was going to make these birds. And I had to give up, frustrated by it all, because I just didn't know how. Almost a reflection of what happened in our lives.
    Still, we all sat in the sun and talked. It was hard for me listening to their plans of college. I kept thinking that Brianna should be sitting here also excited about the colleges she was applying to. So I cried with them off and on, and they understood.
    I'm glad they were there. I know Brianna would be glad too, to see that Chelsea and Nina came over. And thankfully my dear friend Alissa was here for emotional support. For it was a hard day for John and Trevor also.
    January 12 will always be a special day I celebrate. I cherish the day Brianna became my daughter and blossomed into such a wonderful young woman. For I love her so much, and I know that she loves us still. We are just separated for a time.
    I thank you all for checking in on me. As hard as it is at times, I carry on. Brianna's spirit lives in me too. And I keep thinking that I have to live my life for her now.

"Into the nebulous, ongoing mystery of life I welcome, as if through an open door, the continuing spirit of the one I have loved."

- Martha Whitmore Hickman, Healing After Loss

Comments

[Carolee]

Dear Iva, although I know there's not a thing I can say to ease your sorrow, I want you to know you all remain in my thoughts and prayers. Brianna's beautiful spirit does live on in you, and in each and every life she touched.

{{{Hugs}}},
~ Carolee

[Miss Maddie's]

Dear Iva, I have watched your sorrow from afar.I can not imagine the loss that you feel but I do understand.I lost my son twenty seven years ago and though the passage of time helps to soothe the hurt there is a void that remains.The passing of a parent or spouse, though difficult is somewhat expected over time.There is nothing that prepares you for the death of a child.
Your daughter Brianna was a beautiful young woman.I hope you find some peace in the fact that you, John and Trevor were so blessed to have shared those years with her.
Brianna's memory will be with you forever and always.
Sincerely, Susan

[colleen]

aahhhh Mz. Iva. I'm so proud of how you are trudging on day after day. Brianna would be so proud of you and I know she is watching over you all the time.

hugs xoxo

[Chris Klingler]

Iva ~ Hope you are holding up OK! Thinking about you and as always wishing you well! :)

Hugs,
Chris

[Lori]

Iva, i am thinking about you...and i am so sorry that you didn't get to make the birds from Brianna's journal, i know you were looking forward to doing that with her friends...if you think a fresh pair of eyes might help, you could email her instructions to me and i would be happy to see if i could figure out what her vision was for the birds...i hope you got my little package in the mail...sending hugs to you...

[donnalayton]

Iva,
Thank you for having the courage to open up and let us in. I totally understand the tendency to withdraw and I admire the fact that you overcame it. I'm not at all sure I could have.
I'm so sad you were unable to make the birds. I can imagine your determination to give those birds flight and the depression and frustration of not having enough answers to make it happen. I see how it mirrors what you've gone through. So, I guess the lesson is that we should continue to try even though we are not always successful. Trying is enough.
You and the spirit of your lovely daughter are an inspiration to me and I think of you often. Thank you for sharing with a stranger who cares as though she were not a stranger.
Remain your steadfast self as I know you will.

[Chris Klingler]

Happy Valentine's day to you & yours!

Best Always,
Chris :)

[Sylvia Anderson]

Iva~ Thank you for sharing Brianna's birthday with us....I'm sure it was very difficult for you, and even though you were not able to finish the birds, I'm sure she was looking down and smiling...appriciating your efforts just the same. Hugs to you my friend :)